I know I have not blogged in a while, if you notice I tend to slack in that area.
August was a devastating month in so many ways. Kids were lost. (If you didn't know this technically happens 7 kids a day equalling about 2300 kids a year.) These kids were kids of moms I had gotten to know. Kids who I was truly praying for a miracle for (as I do for all of our friends). These were not strangers that I heard about. It hit us hard by hard I mean Kin and myself.
Shortly after that Kinley started experience horrible side effects from her chemo. These included memory loss, headache, dizziness, nausea. As all that healed we brought her home and altered her school schedule. However the symptoms didn't go away. Kinley was still having "episodes" that to us looked like seizures. We ended up admitting her on Wednesday for further testing.
Since wednesday she has had 2 EEG's and waiting on an MRI. They were not seizures.They are thinking its probably anxiety,a s today she did not have many episodes and she is describing the symptoms she is feeling an that is what they seem to match. That being said, now that we know the facts I will really tell you how I feel because as this is all simple and clear cut my feelings are not.
For the last month I have missed my daughter. Many of these issues are causing a change in her personality and making it hard for her to function. If you know my family, you know we are sarcastic and man times offensive to some. However, it is how we have dealt with this all without killing each other;) Anyway I think besides not knowing why she was having these episodes and not knowing how she would be when coming out of one (Sometimes her speech would be affected sometimes her walking.) this is the difficult part.
I feel like I am about a split second away from losing it , pretty much 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week. I am doing my best to keep it together, and put on my happy face. I am not doing too well. To be honest if I am not dealing with her I tend to be online finding out more information about what could be wrong. In between all this I am pretty much in a fog. Its been weeks since I got a decent sleep. It has been even longer since I have had a whole day where I am not worried about her.
I hope now that we have started meds we can get back to the "real world". I know Kin misses her friends and wants to be back at school. I hope that she can keep her mind from racing and she can stop leaving me. ( That is what I call it when she has her episodes). I stare at her with her eyes wide open and lifeless as I wait for her to join me again and it breaks my heart.
Last night I saw her avoid an episode as she rocked, and cried, and scratched herself because (it felt better). This was I think even more painful. I know the internal feelings of an anxiety attack. They are horrible but to know she has pretty much felt that racing for weeks and has not been able to stop it breaks my heart. I miss her, I miss my best friend.
If I could have one prayer tonight. Heal my baby girl and let me have her back. I miss her so much!
I miss my family, every hospital stay separates us, causes crazy amounts of stress, and makes everyone anxious. I want us to all be home TOGETHER!!!!
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