Mono = Cancer ... Right??

Okay, so I will just tell you LOGICALLY I know this is wrong. However, in my world it is totally how my brain works. I have been battling something for a bit now. Last Saturday until Tuesday I was sure it was just allergies. By Wednesday, the burning in my throat started, and I thought hmm maybe not.

Thursday morning, I went to get checked. Strep culture came back negative, but the Dr. looked at my throat and took another culture to send to the lab. She started me on antibiotics and steroids. She also asked me to come back on Friday, to double check my throat and make sure it wasn't so swollen that it was blocking my airways. My daughter, joked with me, Mom guess what now you get a steroid week, you are gonna be hungry and cranky!!!

Friday morning I went back to the Dr., he started me on rocephin and did a test for mono. I know this is probably routine for most of you. However, this is the exact same routine we went through almost 2 years ago with my daughter and she didn't have mono she had cancer!! I texted my husband and said they are testing me for mono... he called me back and said that doesn't mean you have cancer right?? I can laugh about it now. The truth is though.. I found myself praying for mono again. The Dr. came back and let me know it wasn't mono and to keep taking my antibiotics and steroids, and my counts were fine. This was a huge sigh of relief and I am glad that the Dr. had the brains to tell me this! (BTW same Dr. who kept following my daughter and allowed her DX as quick as it was)

So yes LOGICALLY Mono does not equal cancer, but in our crazy world it just might.

Tragedies and Sadness

Today a gunman went into a school and killed 20 school children. It is tragic, it is sad, their classmates had to  witness things children should never have to witness. Newtown, CT will never be the same, the staff at that school will never be the same neither will the parents of the children who are gone and the children who survived.

BUT WHAT IF?? 7 children a day were gunned down each day or make that 46 and only 7 of them died. IT WOULD BE HORRIBLE RIGHT?? 46 children are diagnosed on any given school day with a form of childhood cancer, 7 of these children will die. The difference, it could be prevented with more awareness, more research and maybe even cures!! The difference is we could help control this by urging law makers to give more money to research. The difference is major corporations could sport gold ribbons on their products YEAR ROUND or even for ONE MONTH.

Why don't they? I have heard many reasons and the truth being most of the reasoning Childhood cancer is depressing. It is! It SUCKS!! My kid has gotten chemo for 2 years running through her growing body, hoping in the future she doesnt end up with cancer from her chemo, or heart problems, or hope that her bones regenerate since it has literally been killed off by some of the meds she was on. It is pretty freakin depressing!!

I keep hearing the news mentioning PTSD, guess what?!! Our kids, not just the ones diagnosed but their siblings as well as us parents, we are often diagnosed with PTSD!! Cancer changes your family, forever and always. Life will never be the same. You will never feel "safe" again. When I hear about a child who has died from a setback, relapse, chemo, infection, whatever it may be... my mind goes to what if.  I wonder often when my child is in school if she is safe. Sadly the life of a cancer mom is extremely close to parents who have gone through this. One day we woke up and expected our kid to go to school and do what kids do and instead they were given the diagnosis of cancer. Cancer is a killer that takes 7 of our friends a day, and adds 46 more moms to our cancer mama club a day. It shouldn't  happen but it does everyday. What will it take for us to get peoples attention??

This all being said my heart hurts for the families effected today, I just felt the need to put my feelings down.

A week of Amazement.. maybe a few days extra

This week has  been a large amount of amazement in my family, especially for my daughter. The amazement began with an old high school friend who is more like family. Her mom offered to make it possible for my daughter and myself to fly across to see the ACCO tree lighting in Washinton, DC. To many of you this may mean nothing, to us it meant everything. My daughter as well as many of my friends children had a ribbon on that tree. When I walked in I guess I pictured a tree with a few gold ribbons, instead I found a mountain of gold ribbon, and then it hits you. These are children who have fought, are fighting, or have lost a battle to cancer. At that moment it becomes overwhelming, and heartbreaking, yet comforting all in one moment.

Before they light the tree they allow the families and fighters to say a little something. I think this was the best and worst part of the night. The best because you realize you are all fighting for the same thing, A CURE!! The worst because some families will never get their cure and their children have already lost their battle, some months ago, some years ago, but they are all there to speak how important awareness is. The other thing that hits so hard is that we were in the middle of the capital of the United States of America, yet you don't see political figures that should be there speaking on behalf of our kids. These people should be finding us a CURE!!!! Cancer is the leading disease cause of death of all children under the age of 15 in the United States and NO ONE that should have been there trying to save them was. This has got to change and I am going to do what I can to change it! This was a new motivation for me.

However, this was just one part of our experiences recently. Our other experience was through Make-A-Wish. They choose a few local families in the Los Angeles area to participate in an amazing wish reveal. My daughter's wish is a trip to Italy. The reveal was AMAZING even more amazing than we could ever dream. The fact so many people came together to make my daughters dream come true and the way they treated her and our whole family was beyond words.



It started with a trip in a limousine which made both of my children EXTREMELY excited!! Included was an array of beverages, sparkling cider, soda, and water. They also included plenty of candy and snacks for my children's enjoyment. After arriving at The Grove , the venue where the reveal would take place, we were met by a Make-A-Wish employee and volunteer with our next stop being Sprinkles' cupcakes. My daughter is a cupcake lover so this was a definite treat for her. My kids enjoyed their dessert before dinner, and it was exactly as it should have been. As we walked around the Winter Wonderland that is The Grove at Christmas  time, we were brought to the area where it would all be taking place and seated.

We sat and I see a huge backdrop that reads Kinley Goes To Italy, and the tears were hard to control. This really cemented this was all for my girl. We were serenaded by Italian music and watched the magic of Christmas around us. As the festivities began and local radio and television personalities helped tell about Make-A-Wish and my child, the tears began to flow. My daughter had to tell a bit of her fight and she told how she appreciated her family for helping her through all of this, and the tears couldn't be stopped. I was in awe of my girl, and everyday I thank the Lord for an amazing girl like her. She is everything I ever wanted to be and more even through all this.

My daughter then presented with her very own chef hat, which made her year! She made pizza with a chef from Amici in Brentwood. Many of you are probably like what? BUT, if you know my daughter you know she loves to cook and you will already know her number one thing to do in Italy is take a cooking class. Of course, she wants to see all the amazing sights also, but she wants to learn to cook authentic Italian food while doing this. After all of these festivities they presented her with SEVERAL gift baskets, some handpicked from the Italian cultural center in Los Angeles, others by her Make-A-Wish volunteers, then of course a very generous gift from the sponsors of the event Saputo Frigo Cheeses.

We were overwhelmed, the whole family by the whole event, and the magic of it. We hope to attend another child's wish reveal this week to celebrate with them and see the magic happen for another family. It was an eye opening experience, as well as truly amazing. I will forever be grateful to the people that made the last couple weeks happen, my friend and her husband, her mom, ACCO, Make-A-Wish, KOST, FOX 11 Los Angeles, Saputo, and The Grove. I know many of you may see this as a list of advertising, but I see it as a way for people to see the businesses and organizations that truly care for our fighters.

Anxiety and odd Symptoms....

I know I have not blogged in a while, if you notice I tend to slack in that area.

August was a devastating month in so many ways. Kids were lost. (If you didn't know this technically happens 7 kids a day equalling about 2300 kids a year.) These kids were kids of moms I had gotten to know. Kids who I was truly praying for a miracle for (as I do for all of our friends). These were not strangers  that I heard about. It hit us hard by hard I mean Kin and myself.

Shortly after that Kinley started experience horrible side effects from her chemo. These included memory loss, headache, dizziness, nausea. As all that healed we brought her home and altered her school schedule. However the symptoms didn't go away. Kinley was still having "episodes" that to us looked like seizures. We ended up admitting her on Wednesday for further testing.

Since wednesday she has had 2 EEG's and waiting on an MRI. They were not seizures.They are thinking its probably anxiety,a s today she did not have many episodes and she is describing the symptoms she is feeling an that is what they seem to match. That being said, now that we  know the facts I will really tell you how I feel because as this is all simple and clear cut my feelings are not.

For the last month I have missed my daughter. Many of these issues are causing a change in her personality and making it hard for her to function. If you know my family, you know we are sarcastic and man times offensive to some. However, it is how we have dealt with this all without killing each other;) Anyway I think besides not knowing why she was having these episodes and not knowing how she would be when coming out of one (Sometimes her speech would be affected sometimes her walking.) this is the difficult part.

I feel like I am about a split second away from losing it , pretty much 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week. I am doing my best to keep it together, and put on  my happy face. I am not doing too well. To be honest if I am not dealing with her I tend to be online finding out more information about what could be wrong. In between all this I am pretty much in a fog. Its been weeks since I got a decent sleep. It has been even longer since I have had a whole day where I am not worried about her.

I hope now that we have started meds we can get back to the "real world". I know Kin misses her friends and wants to be back at school. I hope that she can keep her mind from racing and she can stop leaving me. ( That is what I call it when she has her episodes). I stare at her with her eyes wide open and lifeless as I wait for her to join me again and it breaks my heart.

Last night I saw her avoid an episode as she rocked, and cried, and scratched herself because (it felt better). This was I think even more painful. I know the internal feelings of an anxiety attack. They are horrible but to know she has pretty much felt that racing for weeks and has not been able to stop it breaks my heart. I miss her, I miss my best friend.

If I could have one prayer tonight. Heal my baby girl and let me have her back. I miss her so much!

I miss my family, every hospital stay separates us, causes crazy amounts of stress, and makes everyone anxious. I want us to all be home TOGETHER!!!!

Girls Day Out...

Last week a friend of ours had extra tickets to Six Flags, Magic Mountain. Kinley and I decided this would be a great opportunity to hang out just the two of us. So we ventured off to Six Flags, with a couple to-do's in mind. We had to ride the new Lex Luthor Drop of Doom of course, because it is new. So excitedly we got in the car, with plans of adventure. (It was not as well planned as I had hoped)

We got to the park and waited in lines to park and waited in line to enter. It was probably one of the hottest days of the week. So we were both needing to cool down and a drink. After we did that I let her drag me on the rides she wanted. We did Goliath, which we had done before, but its still funny every time she yells I can't feel my legs when we are riding it. (This is not chemo related, it happened before she was even diagnosed).

The next ride was the ride we had been waiting for. I will have to say it was an amazing experience, not due to the ride itself but for the conversation we had while in line. My daughter actually kissed me on the cheek, eat your heart out other moms of tweens I didn't even have to make her. She also told me that it was one of the best days ever cause she got to hang out with me. It was great to hang out with my daughter and hear her actually tell me she liked me;) She also made it clear that she liked me cause I listened to her when she had a problem, but that I also made sure she had rules. Again shocking yet still the best words EVER!!

After a couple more rides and sharing a bite to eat. I was not feeling the best and was going to let Kin ride a ride alone. However, since we had not gotten to ride tons due to the lines, and how crappy I felt she waited for me so we could ride our last ride together!

I have to say between the heat, and not keeping up with enough fluids, I got a horrid case of heat exhaustion. However, it was every bit worth it. It was awesome hanging out with my baby girl, who is surely not a baby anymore and just enjoying our day with nothing else to worry about. It was nice to just do normal things for once. Thanks to great friends who helped make this day happen!

Finding Blessings In The Blackness

A little over 2 months ago, we finally tied the knot. Yep, we are a family. Super excited about that. Seems things are finally falling into place. School is almost out for my kids. I was finding some routine, we were content. Then just as things seem to be just right where you want them to be. Over the weekend we got punched in the gut. We just waited days in the hospital until my daughter could receive a bone marrow biopsy. Why? She is having some mysterious symptoms that seemed to be everything she experienced at the beginning of diagnosis. Luckily the news was good news and she is still cancer free. It just makes you realize how lucky you are.

We are still in the hospital. We are not sure what is causing the pain but if we can get her through the day with only oral pain meds we will get to go home. Hoping that is only a day or so but not sure if that will be the case. The Doctors are unsure what it is and how to cure it besides just managing the pain. However, I will take this in the scheme of things. I will take a setback over a complete "Go Back To Start".

When you are first diagnosed, your are kind of naive, for lack of a better word. You probably know not one family with cancer, and if you do, it's not the kind your kid has. They are just a story you heard on the internet. When your child is diagnosed this changes, these become family members almost. As you watch families triumph and win some battles, you also see families lose battles and it breaks your heart. I have seen too many families lose their children, and some to the same kind of cancer my child has "the good kind of leukemia". The kind that 95% of the kids are supposed to beat. You realize then that someone has to be that 5 % and they may be someone you know and they may be you. I pray daily that it will never be us. However, how bold of me to think that my child is worth saving over the 5% that didn't make it.

That is when the guilt sets in. You feel guilty when you have befriended someone and their child is lost. You feel guilty when you are rejoicing in a victory and they are now celebrating angelversaries. It never gets easier. You feel relief as each month passes. However, you never feel clear and out of the woods. My daughter is 12 she gets this all she cries when we lose friends, she has even made friends with some moms. I hate telling her a warrior we were following has earned their wings.

So while you read my blog tonight, hug your kids, your family, leave a sweet message. Do something to show someone you love, that they are appreciated. No one is promised tomorrow, however we can always make the most of today.

Kicking Butt!!

Kin went to chemo today, good news was counts were high enough to do it. They are still leaving her on a smaller dose and in 2 weeks we follow up with blood work at our local place. That makes it easy sucks to drive an hour and half one way for labs. In 10 days my sister will be in town. In twelve days my family becomes a true family. It seemed as this was never going to happen. Like there was setback after setback but we have made it through each and everyone, stronger and more united than ever.

Friday we threw a party for my son. Thanks to my wonderful neighbor and friend Cathy for making all the decorations and even the cupcakes. She made the best Angry Birds party EVER! It was a crazy week as it was all planned in 7 days. The neighbor kids all came over and ended up having a huge slumber party. Can't believe my baby is going to be nine in 1 week. It gets me a bit teary at times, but I realize how blessed I am to have another birthday with him and that sadness goes away fairly quickly.

Kin is kickin cancer butt and we are just enjoying what life has given us. It is easier when you wake up each day thankful for what you have rather than wishing for what you don't. Believe me life is hard but its harder when your attitude is poor. It gets better if you help it get better. The lord does answer prayers and he will be there when you need someone.

The Club I Never Wanted To Be Part Of

You know all those cool kids from high school, the ones you were always jealous of. They were part of all the clubs. Well now as an adult I am finally part of a club. One I never dreamt I would be part of nor did I ever desire to be part of. This club is called Cancer Moms. Guess what? It sucks.

Even though my kid has a "good" kind of cancer. Yeah, I admit as statistics go my kid has a wonderful chance of getting over this and never dealing with it again. However, I have made many friends, some in real life, others on Facebook. They are some of the best friends a girl could have. I can talk to them about things I can't always talk about with my friends who aren't going through the same thing.

That being said there are so many emotions along this road. I am so sad for them. My heart breaks when they get bad news just as it is overwhelmed with happiness when they get good news. There is guilt when they lose a child or their child relapses. Why do I get to keep my wonderful child while they lose their amazing angels. It isn't fair and I don't know why some are chosen and some are not.

What I do know is there is not nearly enough funding for these cancers. That our children are fed so many poisons that once one cancer is cured they have a chance of getting another. I hope that one day the cure for cancer is found and that it is not so poisonous to our children!

Today my heart is heavy as I remember an angel we lost last month RJ. Carter a warrior fighting for his life who was given bad news today. It is also filled with hope and sadness at the same time for Piper's family, Piper is trying treatment for her 2nd relapse of Leukemia. No 2 year old should have to fight Leukemia 3 times. All of these children are under the age of 4! Babies just fighting for the chance to grow up. It is really not fair.

I count my blessings nightly, these stories help me keep my life in perspective. They make me realized how lucky we really are even when given the battle we are given. Please hug your children tightly and realize we are not guaranteed a tomorrow. God Bless.

Blessings In Disguise (flashback)

I know most people would say cancer is the worst thing that ever happened to them. It can be. It absolutely sucks and turns your life upside down. Most people say what is the hardest part. I guess at the beginning it was choosing which kid I was going to be with and most often times it was my daughter because she is who needed me the most.

From the beginning I let my family and friends know what was going on. It was not a secret to me. It was our lives and people were going to wonder why the heck we dropped off the face of the planet. That is just not me. Cancer taught me a lot of true friends and family. 

Local friends here gathered together and arranged for a cleaning crew to come into my house and clean it for my daughter's homecoming. Such a blessing! Thank you all even if I have tried and never managed to send out Thank You cards all year. Does this count?  

On top of that they all purchased in Ipad for my daughter to help her have some sort of entertainment in the hospital seriously amazing friends. This does not count the countless gifts of Pjs, games, activities, and hats from people. Some gave us gift cards to food places which btw LOOVED because when you are on the go its nice to know you don't have to cook. One great friend pretty much let my son become part of her family for what was probably months with no payment needed and a smile on her face each time. Thank you for this Brenda, seriously I feel like I will be forever in debt to you but I know you do not expect repayment.

Even more amazing people I have known online some several years like since my daughter was an infant, others who I had never met were sending Get Well cards, presents for BOTH of my children.Some even threw in some bonuses for mom. All I saw was an out pour of love. What should have been the hardest part of our lives was really becoming a wonderful experience (well as wonderful as cancer can be).

One thing that was very difficult was the fact I had to take 3 months off work unpaid because I was still not considered permanent and this was the only leave available for me. My sister immediately had set up a fund for people to donate money to my family. People I had met once were donating pretty large sums of money. I never understood why? In the end it was because God made sure we were provided for as he always does. God has been on our side since day 1. God did not give us this cancer as a punishment God gave us our blessings to help us get through this.

I HATE Cancer and the fact it has turned our lives upside down. I LOVE that it has shown us who we were meant to be. Thank you all who have been part of this past 13 months and helped us get through it.

Watching, Waiting

That is what this week has been. Kin has RSV. For most no big deal. For us HUGE deal. The lovely accommodations we get 4 star;) Okay not complaining most the rooms here at Childrens' are now private and so yeah huge plus. Since she has a viral coughing thing that could instantly be overtaking the oncology ward we are definitely in one of those private ones. She is also quarantined to her room. Not like she really cares, too tired and too sick to even get out of bed. The plus is we get a nice private suite by the nurse's station;)

Appetite, nonexistent. Takes me back to last February when we spent the whole month here practically. Only it was the opposite then she was not allowed food and was on steroids so she was an angry hungry girl. Now she is allowed food and practically begging her to eat. UGH!!

Last night sucked! Yeah I could sit there and put it all fancy but it sucked. She had a headache until about 1 a.m. She did not break her fever until about 8:45 this morning so she went about 12 hours with it. They did some blood work just to rule out anything else. That is because if you have a new fever 24 hours after your last one that is standard procedure.

So today entails lots of watching and waiting. Her counts are still low. Hoping when they drew blood today they saw a change in those. Doubtful but a mama can hope!

And yeah no news her white blood cells are about 260, not good. I have no clue how long it will take them to go back up. I have asked and no one seems to know. I was truly hoping this would be a 2 or 3 day stay. However, that is not the case. I hope we can get back to our lives soon.

Kin got a transfusion today I know many of you just thought OMG! How Scary! It isn't for us it is just run of  the mill daily activities. It  is just an iv giving her what she needs. Nothing extraordinary. She had a fever off and on today. I hope this weekend the fevers are fewer and farther between because that usually means counts are rising.

I took the night off and I am home while her bio dad hangs with her. I look forward to a night in my own bed yet I know it still will not be a great night's sleep because my whole family is not here. It was nice to hang with my son today and hear about his week. I have missed him and my fiance so much. He had a trip to the planetarium and they laughed about Uranus. Yep! That's my boy! Tomorrow is PJ day with a book exchange and he couldn't be more excited.

As those of you who have your family whole and with you give them hugs and appreciate them today. For those that are missing your families, I am so sorry. I know many friends who are going through much more than I right now and I pray for you daily. Good Night and God Bless.

The F Word!

Just so you know my original plan of my blog was to start from the beginning and go until present. However the F word has messed that up for me. I do not mean the word you think! I mean fevers, as a cancer mom that is the worst word in the dictionary. Well that and the N word aka Neutropenia. Well guess what? Kin has both this week.

What started as bronchitis and ear infection did not seem to be getting better. Then the F word came. The first time her counts were decent enough she did not have to be admitted. That did not last long after a Sunday full of a lethargic child and a fever popping up in the evening, a trip to the ER it was.

I debated going to urgent care with her but since I was just there the night before and was not highly impressed. After being there an hour or so and throwing a fit the Dr. came in. I was then told she needed blood work and I explained she had a port could they use that. I was then told that they could. However, the nurse still brought in all the stuff to draw from the arm. I had to explain again she had a port and she needed that to be used.

Yeah there idea of accessing a port = no numbing cream.
They also don't have a pediatric needle, and the needle they do have looks huge and scary!
Anyway after about 30 minutes of me calming down my kid in hysterics it got done very painfully! GRR!

They leave it taped in away she can't really move because they don't know what the hell they are doing obviously. Moving on, I asked if they needed a new chest x-ray and they never did one so I guess they didn't see fit and started her on another antibiotic and sent us home.

That means Sunday I drove the hour to Childrens Hospital Los Angeles(CHLA). We get checked in and tylenol for her fever immediately. They immediately put us in a room and add some numbing cream to her port area. It is such a different experience. These nurses and doctors here really do try to make things as comfortable for kids as possible. So they started an IV and did all their cultures and checked her counts and they said her counts were too low, she would be admitted.

To most people this would be bad news. Don't get me wrong I HATE that she is in the hospital but relieved that they are able to monitor her here. My nerves are not so on edge about things. I feel like for the last week or so all I have been doing is debating a trip to the Dr. or taking her to urgent care. So yeah while I hate being here I am glad they know what they are doing.

So we got to our room at 4:00 in the morning. At about 4:45 a.m. I left and went to work for the day. Another dilemma of a cancer-mom. We need to keep our jobs and pay our bills and take care of our kids at the same time. Today I took off half from feeling bad for leaving her yesterday and half from pure exhaustion. Didn't really sleep last night and well Sunday night that was pretty much impossible, though I tried to grab a nap in the ER. Today is a day of just waiting and watching. I totally could have gone to work. So tomorrow I will stop hovering and go to work. Just pray I get a couple hours of sleep tonight!

She keeps spiking random fevers, breaking them as quick as they come on. She for sure has RSV and waiting on a few other things to come back I believe. Hoping that when it happens its negative and she beats this soon! I called the school for all her work for the week it may end up being 2 weeks if these fevers don't stop.

My child has what?

On Sunday January 23, 2011 we went to a follow-up appointment at urgent care. I fully expected the doctors to confirm the diagnosis of Mono and tell us we were doing all the right things. We arrived at urgent care and they did the blood work they had been doing for days. About 90 minutes later, they said they needed to do another draw to double check something. So they drew blood again and put her on IV fluids.

As we waited for the blood work Kinley slept. About another hour or so later the doctor came in to see us. You know in the movies where you are in a doctor's office and the doctor acts like he is as devastated as you?! Yeah  FALSE! We were in the urgent care infusion area, with several people around as my daughter slept on their little gurney, I was told we think it's Leukemia. They went into the fact that the reason they had drawn blood a second time is the first draw was 78,000 , the second result was 99,000.

The doctor then told me as my child slept that we would be transported to the hospital about 2 blocks away by ambulance. We would be seen by a doctor there who had already been consulted and they were pretty sure it was Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia.  I remember calling James and telling him words I never imagined saying. I asked him to meet us at the hospital with clothes and stuff for Kin and myself.

Once the ambulance company arrived, we woke my daughter up to try to explain a little of what was going on. When we arrived at the hospital they asked us all the questions they needed to know the answers to. We were told Kin would receive a CT scan and then we would be waiting on transportation to Childrens' Hospital Los Angeles. It was all so technical and a whirlwind all at the same time.

At the hospital she was so poked and prodded so many times, so many blood draws, a new IV because they couldn't use the one that the urgent care put in even thought that was the point of the urgent care adding the one they had. They were definitely not kid friendly. We were then sent for the CT scan which later would show an enlarged liver and spleen causing the rib pain she had been complaining about. The white blood cell (WBC) was rising even more so.  After that it was just a lot of waiting pretty much for the transport to get there and take us down.

At CHLA, I kept asking the doctor what the chance of them being wrong was. They kept telling me they wouldn't have any real answers until the next day. We left her that night with her father as James and I went and tried to get a couple hours of sleep. I was hoping I would wake up in the morning and go in and they would tell me they were all wrong. Sadly that was not so..

EFF YOU CANCER!! EFF YOU!!!

Yeah I said it! Last night a little boy lost his battle to cancer. He earned his wings. God gained another angel. All appropriate things to say and while yes I am glad he is no longer in pain. He should have never felt that pain to begin with. We have seen so much of this since my daughter began her fight 1 year and 1 month ago.

I like most of you was oblivious to cancer before it came and slapped me in the damn face. Since then my family has met so many other families dealing with this horrible disease. So many have not been as lucky as we have. Each time a life is lost I feel so many emotions sadness, relief, guilt all at the same time. I pray for these families daily. I hope for a miracle but know that when there is cancer, death is always right there. Days like today throw things in my face to remind me we are not safe.

I would like to think when Kin makes it to her 5 year remission mark I will breath a sigh of relief and know she is okay then. Truth is, it is not always okay, there is no safe. There is that chance, it is a lottery and we were the lovely frickin winners! Now every time my "healthy kid" gets sick my mind goes there. My sons had a few tummy aches lately, the non-cancer mom says hes faking. The cancer mom says what if I ignore this and something happens.

It is not fair, it is not right! No one I mean NO ONE should have to live like this. Yet we do, we live like everyone else. Okay maybe not like everyone else you know. We do not get the luxury of waiting out a fever. My kid gets a cough a little longer than others, and I think pneumonia. Right now she is fighting an ear infection that keeps lingering even that is bothering me. So I just want to say EFF YOU CANCER I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

Growing Pains, Stomach Flu, Mono?

On January 16, 2011 I took my daughter to the doctor because for about a week she complained of some rib pain. No big deal right? It was cold out, she was a pre-teen, doing PE outside. The doctor chalked it up to growing pains or irritated ribs from exercising. Two days later we are at Disneyland "Happiest Place on Earth". My daughter was barely eating. Again no big deal, excitement, tired, so many other reasons.

She barely at anything that day and stayed home from school the next. She was not eating much at all. We were lucky if we could get her to eat broth. By Thursday she was not much better very lethargic and not eating. I took the day off work. I figured I would take her to see the doctor at our local Urgent Care and rule out something that needed to be treated. I honestly figured it had to be a stomach bug and they were going to just send us home, maybe give her some fluids.

The doctor took one look at her, didn't like it, and ran blood work. Her white blood cells were 25,000. I asked what normal range was and he said 5 to 15k but because she was sick it was not that alarming. He also started an IV for fluids and more antibiotics. She was sent home with a follow-up appointment for the next day. On Friday we returned, he gave more antibiotics, did more blood work. Her white blood cells were now 34,000. Doctor again said no reason to be alarmed she was just fighting an infection.

The next thing he did was test for mono, you know good old kissing disease. The test he did at clinic came back negative but he told me 10 % of those after further tests end up being positive. At this point I knew her platelets were low, her white blood cells were high. I also knew that my child had not been awake much in the last two days. I had also noticed at this point she had some tiny red marks on her almost like broken blood vessels. After he exhausted his testing there and she received antibiotics we were sent home with a follow-up appointment made for Sunday.

I never thought I would pray for a diagnosis of Mono before. However, that is exactly what I was doing. I was also using the internet to find all possible information. Asking friends who had mono or had kids with mono. My child was now only waking up if I woke her up and not staying awake at all. I was lucky if I could get her to drink 1/2 of a Pediasure a day. Everyone was telling me this is just mono, the exhaustion is just so overpowering. I kept thinking over the weekend it was just mono because any other diagnosis was unthinkable. Within 5 days my child was disappearing before my eyes. She was not her bright energetic self and I was unsure what was going to happen.

Welcome!

Well, I decided to give this whole blog thing a shot. I figured someone is bound to read it so congratulations if you are the lucky one! I hope this blog gives you an insight to my family and I. I will also warn you, I love writing hate grammar, so yeah that part might suck. 

The end product I hope is an entertaining yet informative blog about a family dealing with cancer the best way we know how. No one is a super hero. We do and did what we had to do from day one which is get up and face the day and beat this sucker! I hope you enjoy my future posts and share it with your friends and  family.

Oh and to let you know I know NOTHING about blogging so this shall be an interesting ride. Buckle up girls and boys, it may be a bumpy ride;)